Search
  • Catie Clobes

When We Were Happy.

I almost never left Evee. We were apart for maybe 4 hours out of her short little life. February 3rd last year, my mom was watching Evee while I was watching my little brother wrestle. She was seemingly perfect. Hitting all of her milestones ahead of time. So sweet and happy, but she would get so cranky when I wasn't around. The love and dependence Evee gave me was addicting. There was never a moment of stress, always excitement. She came at the right time in my life, when a lot of my love and trust had been taken from me. She made me a better mother. She made me more confident. She made me stronger. She wasn't just my child, she was my everything.


Now in less than a month, she will have been gone a year, and the thought of that is killing me. I feel guilty for continuing on without her, a feeling I cannot help. My health has deteriorated from the pain & stress and tomorrow I will have medical issues that I will be dealing with. The grief and PTSD from finding my beautiful daughter gone has been made severely worse in the past 7 months. Severely worse. I haven't been able to heal one bit because I am so consumed with my daughter's death and what happened afterwards. I just wanted answers, I wanted to share her memory, that was it. I have no social life because I don't ever want to leave my house, thinking some idiot who believes the mainstream media might recognize me. I will never be the same, and I just don't know if I will ever be able to feel that kind of happiness again.

I had a gift card to use up that was given to me by some ladies so I forced myself to go get a pedicure yesterday before my surgery, and all that went through my mind was "everyone must think I'm a serious b***h". I have this constant "look" that never goes away, eyebrows lowered and drawn together, clenched jaw, I'm always tensed up. I can't look peaceful. I never want to talk to strangers anymore. The people there did not want to engage, my body language always makes that clear. That's not who I am, though.


I used to say to people "I don't want to talk, my daughter just passed away", and they would get it. Like I felt the need to explain myself to people. Now I feel as though I can't say "my daughter just passed away" because she didn't in most people's eyes. She passed almost a year ago. To me, she just passed away though. To my aching chest and upset stomach, she just passed away. To the tears soaking into my t-shirt as we speak, she just passed away. So maybe this is who I am now. A sad, angry person who has to force herself to smile, without explanation.

I do know by now that there is absolutely no hope for healing until some sort of justice has come for you, and honestly, for myself. I didn't deserve this. No parent deserves this. I just really hope that it's at least done getting worse before it gets any better. Please, continued prayers for the pain to ease up a bit leading up to March 1st. Continued prayers for more answers. Continued prayers for justice.

481 views6 comments
  • Facebook

We never sell your data, ever. However, CCPA requires that this button is now present on all websites. See our Privacy Policy for more info on how cookies are used.

©2020 by Justice For Evee Organization