When We Were Happy.
I almost never left Evee. We were apart for maybe 4 hours out of her short little life. February 3rd last year, my mom was watching Evee while I was watching my little brother wrestle. She was seemingly perfect. Hitting all of her milestones ahead of time. So sweet and happy, but she would get so cranky when I wasn't around. The love and dependence Evee gave me was addicting. There was never a moment of stress, always excitement. She came at the right time in my life, when a lot of my love and trust had been taken from me. She made me a better mother. She made me more confident. She made me stronger. She wasn't just my child, she was my everything.
Now in less than a month, she will have been gone a year, and the thought of that is killing me. I feel guilty for continuing on without her, a feeling I cannot help. My health has deteriorated from the pain & stress and tomorrow I will have medical issues that I will be dealing with. The grief and PTSD from finding my beautiful daughter gone has been made severely worse in the past 7 months. Severely worse. I haven't been able to heal one bit because I am so consumed with my daughter's death and what happened afterwards. I just wanted answers, I wanted to share her memory, that was it. I have no social life because I don't ever want to leave my house, thinking some idiot who believes the mainstream media might recognize me. I will never be the same, and I just don't know if I will ever be able to feel that kind of happiness again.
I had a gift card to use up that was given to me by some ladies so I forced myself to go get a pedicure yesterday before my surgery, and all that went through my mind was "everyone must think I'm a serious b***h". I have this constant "look" that never goes away, eyebrows lowered and drawn together, clenched jaw, I'm always tensed up. I can't look peaceful. I never want to talk to strangers anymore. The people there did not want to engage, my body language always makes that clear. That's not who I am, though.
I used to say to people "I don't want to talk, my daughter just passed away", and they would get it. Like I felt the need to explain myself to people. Now I feel as though I can't say "my daughter just passed away" because she didn't in most people's eyes. She passed almost a year ago. To me, she just passed away though. To my aching chest and upset stomach, she just passed away. To the tears soaking into my t-shirt as we speak, she just passed away. So maybe this is who I am now. A sad, angry person who has to force herself to smile, without explanation.
I do know by now that there is absolutely no hope for healing until some sort of justice has come for you, and honestly, for myself. I didn't deserve this. No parent deserves this. I just really hope that it's at least done getting worse before it gets any better. Please, continued prayers for the pain to ease up a bit leading up to March 1st. Continued prayers for more answers. Continued prayers for justice.